Can't Recall the Name
by Rhiannon87
Summary: KOTOR and KOTOR II. Revan's memories come back in bits and pieces.


**Can't Recall The Name**

"_And in the darkest nights_

_If my memory serves me right_

_I'll never turn back time_

_Forgetting you but not the time."_

_--"Whatshername" by Green Day_

I never remember the good things. I know I had a life before I was Darth Revan, before I left the Order and led the Republic against the Mandalorians… but I can't remember it. Not yet. All that's coming back now are memories of the Sith. I remember cutting Malak's jaw off the one time he questioned my judgment. I remember Karath bragging to me about his special forces, the ones who hunted down Jedi. I remember Malachor V… or do I? I've read about it, and I know what I did, but I don't think I remember. Thousands of Jedi and soldiers and Mandalorians died there, died because of me. But there's something else there, something I did, something more personal than executing thousands of people.

I'm sure if it's bad, it'll come back to me in time. The memories always do.

_"This weapon will ensure our victory?"_

_"Y-yes, Commander. The potential loss of lives, though, is staggeringly--"_

_"I'm aware of the sacrifices necessary, Specialist. Thank you for your time."_

_"…Thank you, Commander."_

I wake up suddenly, staring at the dark ceiling. I'm not shaking or sweating or crying, as I often am after nightmares (memories, Revan, it's your life that's so terrifying). Tonight I'm calm.

I remember Malachor.

I remember arriving on the planet's surface and feeling the true power of the Dark Side. I remember the battle, sending my least loyal lieutenants to die there. (Something nagging about that battle—did all your enemies die there, Lord Revan?) I remember Trayus Academy and what we did to the Jedi that Karath's soldiers brought to us. That's how I found out about the Star Forge, at first… it was mentioned in the archives on Malachor. That kind of power was too tempting to pass up. I had such plans for the destruction of the Republic… and now, at last, I can remember them all.

I should feel disgusted or guilty, but I'm just calm. (And is that mild surprise at your own ambitions, or maybe even pride?) Again, there's something about Malachor that bothers me, but nothing's coming to mind. Maybe if I go back to sleep, it'll come back too…

_"Our victory will be complete. Sacrifices must be made if the Republic is to be saved--"_

_"And if you let the entire Republic die, Commander, what good is the victory? There are other, less costly ways of winning the war."_

_"Very well then, General. If you are so concerned about the ground troops, you may lead the assault and see to their safety."_

I remember her face. No voice, no name, but I know what she looks like. The one I tried to kill at Malachor, but she lived somehow. She was a friend, I know that much, one of the most loyal people I knew. I was jealous of her for some reason. And there's so much more that I can't remember, a person that I've all but forgotten.

I think she used to call me Rev, and I think it drove me crazy.

_"She could tell them everything she knows, and it still wouldn't save them. Besides, it will teach the Council a lesson… show them the foolishness of their teachings when they see this dead Jedi returned to them."_

"_Dead, Master?"_

"_As good as dead, in any case. She was supposed to be one of the great teachers of our age, and now look at her. She's broken, useless. They'll all wish she'd died, once she returns."_

The sheer unbroken loneliness of this trip seems to be bringing back memories even faster. I remember a bit more about my friend now. She was different from other Jedi... she was more human than they were. Because of her Force bonds. That's what destroyed her, in the end. She was tied to everything alive in that war, and the pain of all those bonds breaking blinded her to the Force. She tried to report in, after the battle was over, and she collapsed at my feet. I think I stepped over her to get to the bridge.

T3 tells me we're getting close to Malachor. Hopefully there are some answers here. Or at least a name to put to this woman's face.

"_Admit it, you like him!"_

"_Revan, he is my teacher and a fellow Jedi. I can't have any attachments like the one you're suggesting."_

"_You do like him, I can tell!"_

"_Leave me alone, or I'll tell Malak exactly how you feel about him."_

"_You—you wouldn't!"_

"_Lay off about Master Kavar, and I won't. Promise."_

I've got a few good memories now. Memories of my days as a Padawan, back when I thought the Jedi were always right and that I could save the galaxy. I did, eventually, but I paid for it. The Republic paid for it. She paid for it, whoever she is. It's been so long… I wonder if she's still alive. I wonder if she's forgiven me.

_"I'm gonna be a teacher."_

_"A teacher? Huh… you'd be good at that, I guess. You've got the patience to put up with the little brats."_

_"Well, after being your friend for six years…"_

_"Hey!"_

The echoes of long-past laughter fade, only to be replaced by a knock at the door. I cross the small room and open it, and there she is. The woman who's been haunting my thoughts and my dreams, the General, Jedi and friend that I abandoned almost a decade ago.

"Hello, Revan."

And I remember.

"Jada. It's been a while."


End file.
